Sad but true

I almost forgot how its like to be happy, genuinely happy. At my best, I was living beyond plain existence. What I am was less important to what I was doing.

 But now, as I stare at the mirror, I couldn't recognise myself, who that person is. What am I becoming? What am I now? What was I before? Felt something was lost in between.

 As if my tears knew the perfect cue,  it rushed down like water from a dam. I've been holding back for so damn long.

I am wrong. Honesty's not gentle-- its brutal.

Dear Future Me

I have just received an email from myself.  But no, it’s not one of those times when you forward an email to your inbox to save yourself a copy, and neither one of those control freak habits of checking how your email is going to look like to the one you're sending to and so you send it to yourself first. 

Two years ago I found a website called FutureMe.org which allows you to send an email to yourself anytime in the future.  I find the idea interesting because it makes you think about what you want to tell yourself 5 or 10 years from now in the second person point of view:

“Hi Kat, how’s your vacation in Europe going? Probably you’re having a romantic getaway with your hubby on your first year anniversary!” 

Fun right? It’s like practising your fortune telling powers on yourself. But if these self prophesies do not happen and you receive an email from your past self to affirm such inaccuracies or overestimations, then I don't think it will be that fun anymore. Instead it might turn out to be funny because you like a fool with this reply:

 “Haha what anniversary are you talking about?!  Ugh you mean my mum and dad's anniversary?”  

So today, I received this email I have made on 16th of November 2009.  Yes, two long years and now here it is!! I was quite scared on the sight of it because aside from forgetting that the day shall come for me to read it- I know it's going to burst my bubble.

So what did my 23 year old self two years ago told 25 year old self now?  

I think I was congratulating myself in advance for having a stable life, and in my own terms that simply means being financially independent above anything else. Just like how any Taurean defines security. 

I knew for sure is that aside from being an insomniac nothing really changed about me or the things I wanted in life. I still want to be 'Carrie Bradshaw-esque' fabulous, rich, successful and all that jazz.  I know I won't be surprised on what I'll read from my past self, I was rather scared because I know have let myself down again. 

How will I explain to my past self that things didn't work out exactly the way she wanted it?

They say that the future is always promising because it gives us hope- that things will get better than they are now. But sometimes that’s not always the case because things could always get worse. Disappointed on how I did not live up to the expectations of my past self, I pondered instead.. what would my future self tell to my present self?

And I was surprised to realise that nothing was ever lost- that all those tears, struggles and heartaches might be useful one day and become a foundation for something greater. I'm not sure but I think I heard the future me whisper: "Put on a smile. The game is not yet over." 

                                                                                                                       

What happens when you turn 25?

Gee, I'm just a few hours away from officially hitting twenty five. Technically I am already right now, but not really yet- because the morning hasn't cracked and I was born at 10 in the evening  ;-) 

Anyway, this day is not just any lavish excuse to throw a wild birthday party one last time- bidding goodbye to a couldn't-care-less attitude we had in my 20's. Neither is it a ticking time bomb before our youthful glow vanishes; nor a much feared reminder to start ticking items in our bucket list before reaching 30. But why fear when this is actually a point when great transformations are primed to happen. 

Contemplation 

Twenty five is the age of reason where the mind is fully developed to make rational decisions, however, it doesn't make it any easier for us to choose which path to take, as errors in this point will not be as easy to correct as it was 5 years ago.

Maybe going back to school as a 20 year old kid was a decision you would take without even thinking as time is in your hands to exploit, but add another 5 years to the equation and at 25, that option may not exactly be a gamble worth the jackpot. Or say would you stay in a lousy relationship with a person you see no future with? At 20, hope can keep that relationship alive but come 25, the only option is to find more an investment that will provide a better return.

I believe reaching 25 is one of those pivotal moments in our life where we cannot help but reassess how life has been in the past quarter of a century. There comes an expectation for us to fit into the norm. So what would a 25 year old person be committed to at this day and time? We don't want to veer away from 'normalcy' and try to live up to our own and most especially to our family and peer's expectations.

It's the rising point leading to climax at a story plot. Reaching 25 would make you pause, and wonder whether or not the path you are standing at this moment is the still the same direction you want to see yourself 5- 10 years from now.  The more we get older it seems that time is becoming a scarcity and that quality transcends quantity.  

Frustration

10 years ago I couldn't wait to grow up and be one of those adults who ruled the world. I wanted to be a woman of power and become rich, beautiful and successful. Thinking about it now, I realise that it was nothing but a safe aspiration. Yes I had the vision, which is better than having nothing at all, but I had no exact plan for execution.


In my mind, I was driven enough to pursue anything that will come my way, but there was one thing I missed. I was not courageous enough to put into concrete terms what that ‘anything’ is supposed to mean. “Lawyer”, “Accountant”, “Entrepreneur”, “Journalist”, “Dancer” and “Actor” would have filled the blanks and I would have arrive at the same end point of success. 

 Letting Go

I feel as if in a few hours I will be given a life sentence to a prison they call 'real life'-where an attempt to escape is seen as a mortal sin rather than an act of jest and a moment to breathe. So no more games for me? Not entirely, but it probably means playing with calculated risk this time around because the stakes are higher.

I don't want to be the girl who refuses to grow up but I still do want to visit Neverland from time to time. We sometimes have that love-hate relationship with children because they are animated creatures who happened to be brats- but the thing I love most about them (that I want to stay with me) is their sense of wonder!  And with the good comes the bad, thus being mature means letting go of being childish about life: throwing tantrums and non-stop whining!

The next 25 years will be the most productive years ahead of me and I doubt that this is the last time I'll be having such a mid-life crisis. Twenty five is just the beginning of this roll- it's the time when career, family, self discovery and everything else will reach its fullest potential, so the best way to deal with it is to just live and let go!  

Something you don't hear everyday from your dentist

Sometimes the most important lessons in life do not come from the ‘life experts’ or gurus we all run after to seek advice.  The answers we long to find does not necessarily need to be found elsewhere,  you may already know it but you just need someone to remind it for you.  

I realised this might be true- a week ago when I was in my least philosophic moment- how could you be when you are about to anticipate pain in one of your most sensitive areas. My mind was busy, rather in panic mode as I was trying to calm down my nerves.  I was a few moments away from a tooth extraction.

The least thing my dentist could do was to assure me it’s gonna be alright- and so she did a cleaning first before taking out one of my precious whites. Before the procedure, I asked her if she could straighten my left front tooth but she said I need braces for that. 

With a smile, I said that I was just referring to straightening the edge of the tooth (not the whole tooth itself). And so she did with drilling machine, then handed to me a mirror so I can check it out. I tried to conceal my blah expression but she read it right away- because I really didn't notice any  difference.

But she explained that going further ‘to correct it’ will cause more unevenness. (True, why fix it if it ain’t broken?) And then the unexpected I heard, coming from a professional more likely trained to criticise and look for something to fix - she said: It doesn't have to be perfect because that shows character- that's what makes you unique.

All this time I've been running away from something I shouldn't really be afraid of- from being flawed downright to a self made agony of a painless tooth extraction. Oh well... Life really has a way of giving you an assuring pat on the shoulder when you least expect it. :)

The Illusion of Happily Ever After

 If I am living according to the way I planned it perhaps a few years from now I most certainly be walking down the aisle on a lush green garden on the side of a cliff, wearing a Monique Lhuillier custom made creation, with Mr. Funny-Hella Gorgeous-Smart-With-Abs-Groom waiting for me on the altar.


That sure sound pretty ambitious, and it really is! And now as I put my feet on the ground, I can feel reality speak through the roughness of the my bedroom carpet. Being grounded, its easier to realise that I am not a character in a fairy tale book where I can just sing by the well like Snow White or sleep in the woods like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), in order to get LOVE's ultimate kiss and awake in forever bliss. 


The thought of happy endings or happily-ever-after, though shallow, made me bear life's problems easier to swallow.


Even if I know that happy endings are more of a metaphor- something that was made up for us grown ups to have an escape, and a creative way as well to protect children about life's uncertainty, I still need a dose of a happy ending or an it-will-all-work out-in-the-end mentality to make through a horrible day. 

Happy Ever After? 

.....If your life was a race, and reaching the finish line first guarantees you a million dollars, can you say that you can live happily-ever-after when you win? 

....If you just graduated from the university- can you slack off since you got honours anyway?

.....When you reach your ideal weight at the end of the year- can you celebrate by eating carelessly and not care on what happens the new year?

I like to think that happy endings, if you put it in a proper perspective, is not really a one-time-big time moment depicted in the movies where someone survives a bloody gun shot, gets married, wins a competition, catches the criminal, kills the villain and save the plane from crashing.

These dramatic moments in our lives defines a part of who we are but it does not entirely make who we are. Its the same reason for believing that when you get what you want: the car, the house, the job, the partner- life does not stop from there because you gotta pay the bills, mortgage, suck up to your boss and do your share of the house chores.   

Is it a destination?

Happiness is a state of mind. 


The switch is in your hands to either turn it on or off, but its not toying with your emotions and forcing yourself to be jolly right after being robbed, but rather seeing the whole picture, looking for something else to be grateful about like the fact that you are alive- which is way better than being penniless!  


Do not rely on the promise of a happy ending when you can be happy right now. 


When you treasure little joyful moments, like the way your dog excitedly greets you at home after a long day's work, you will earn a bucketful (thousands) of reasons that you can throw at yourself when you're having a bad day.


 If you set your bar of happiness so high and prep yourself to a mission impossible- that you will only be happy upon reaching perfection- I doubt that you will ever be truly happy. Happily-ever-after becomes true to those set achievable goals on a daily basis, those who find pleasure in small improvements and those who appreciate the freedom that life brings.


 If you always live in the moment and grateful that you can still open your eyes in the morning and know that you have another chance to correct yesterday's mistakes, then you can be rest assured of your own happily-ever-after. . .

It doesn't have to be that way

The pain.. is it all worth it in the end ?

Heartaches hurt the most.
Wounded feelings scrape its way to the soul.

Physical pain is bearable because bodies can heal itself,

but the Mind never forgets- cannot let go.

Hope is something that can be taken away  

brittled by unpleasant experiences and failed attempts.

The Mind is logical to believe in something called Faith.  

It blames anything: from the weather down to the bubble gum stuck under your shoe: like a child throwing tantrums- when it doesn’t get what it wants.


The Mind is a powerhouse in its fullest potential,
but flawed by its blinding ego;

thus suffering becomes inevitable. 


Loneliness silently kills people faster than cancer or AIDS. 

You can be living but you may be good as dead.  

And Hopelessness may whisper in your deepest corners: 

"You plan but nothing gets done."

"You love but no one stays forever. "

"You give your best but it’s not enough."

Grudges locked inside can make you crash and burn-

As they say, the rear view mirror is not to be obsessed about.

Look back for caution, but let it not be a distraction.


What you have passed through is distant and gone. 

Misery only haunts the restless- don't be trapped in yesterday’s worries.


Escape is not a permanent solution to problems which by nature are temporary.

No one ever comes out in this world alive anyway,

so why quit, when this is soon going to be over.


Your living body is only a gift and your soul it's caretaker.

Matter may be disposed but its essence lingers. 

In the realm of the invisible, guilt can cause unrest. 

Better to die trying- in vain, than leave beforehand quitting. 

Success is the Sweetest Revenge

Reel and real. What do these blondes have in common?

Sure you’ve heard this line a couple of times but what does it actually mean? The movie Legally Blonde  is what comes first to mind.


The lead character, Elle Woods, was dumped by her boyfriend because she was too blonde and not ideal for his political career in the future.


Pathetic as Elle can be, she also applied for Harvard so she can win him back and to prove him wrong that she’s a dumb blonde. Little did Elle know that his ex-boyfriend just got engaged with another student, whose influential roots can boost his less than impressive track record. 


So there are two brick walls that are in front of Elle. First, his ex-boyfriend’s fiancé whose making her life miserable and second, surviving Harvard Law School. In real life, I don’t know what most people will do in this kind of situation. 


If you are truly a vengeful person and would like them to suffer, you might as well put the girl out of the picture- set her up for a crime or be as annoying as can be to destroy their relationship. 


But ideally, I guess all of us would want to take the higher road. Acceptance and forgiveness, although underrated at times, will really set you free of a vicious cycle of grudge, hate and rampage. 

 

Softie on the outside but a toughie on court

Elle is a fighter and she proved it the first instance by getting a high SAT score and overcoming people’s airhead stereotype of her.


But the difference she has with those who never stop fighting until havoc is served, is that she realised after being pathetic that not getting what you want is not the end of the world. 
 
Not all battles are worth fighting for, especially if it's a lose-lose situation. 


Isn’t there more pride and glory in graduating the top of her class rather than wrecking a made-for-convenience relationship? 


Elle may be a fictional character but her formula to success in reality is tried and tested, it works. 


Just like another blonde,  a real person in the name of Katie Piper- I think is one of the most courageous people out there who is currently teaching the world that not even an acid thrown at your face can make you an ugly person if what you have inside is already beautiful to start with.

 

The mastermind of the tragic acid attack was a boyfriend she just started dating- who’s paranoid that she’d tell the police that he sexually assaulted her.

Katie Piper at that time was a model and TV presenter.

How she looks is an important part of her job, and amongst other things like love and respect from her boyfriend- her angelic face was taken away from her. 


In May 2009, after a year of living in the shadows, she went public and told her story through a documentary film.  


More than spreading seeds of awareness, she’s now working on the Katie Piper Foundation. It's a charity dedicated to provide support to other burn victims with a vision of creating an advanced burn and scar management and rehabilitation clinic in the UK.


Some people have had a hard time feeling sympathy towards her because they think it’s her fault of choosing the wrong guy whom she only met in facebook. 

How can you go in a hotel with a guy and expect no intimacy to happen?  And to think they were only dating for 2 weeks. No doubt, she has placed herself in a situation to be raped.


But for me, I think it’s not my right to judge her; nobody deserves an acid attack for trusting too easily and attracting the wrong kind of guy.


A bad decision has been made but she chose to move on with her life. I admire her for capitalising on a treacherous event which to others may seem like death that needs no revival.


Her attacker’s motive on destroying her face might have been out of selfishness, so that so no man could ever want her again after him, but he was wrong in thinking that her physical appearance is her greatest asset.  


He did not take away anything important, in fact, what has now emerged is a more beautiful person. Her strength in facing adversity, positive attitude and dedication in helping other victims makes her success stand out in today’s superficial world.  

The Philosophy of Roller Coaster riding with Nadal

The highs and lows, they make the ride worthwile.

I like surprises, the plotted twists in a drama series and anything out of the ordinary that makes me wonder or doubt.  When everything is always calm, predictable and constant it leaves me bored and cold.


Perfection is what I've always aim for but that doesn't mean I don't push myself way too hard. I'm not afraid to crash and burn as long as I know that what I am doing is life changing, thus what is the point for setting goals if it's too achievable?


Reaching from point A to B to start with is fine but afterwards one would feel that reaching point C from B has become mediocre because it has been done before. Probably aiming to reach point G would take a grueling effort, but its worth the shot even if you don't reach that far because along the way you learn from mistakes and become tougher to dwell in difficult situations. 


For me, becoming the best in anything means you have to take risks. It's always inevitable to fail in life because without it you will never appreciate the sweetness that victory brings.


Roller coaster rides are designed to have high and low points so that the adrenalin rush remains pounding all the way through the ride.


If the ride goes in a linear fashion and way too close on the ground- where you feel safe and comfortable, there's no sense in riding it- better yet, sleep and conquer your fears while dreaming, it would be more exciting and be a better learning experience. 

Nadal, wiping the tears away on the side court.

 

This week so far was a hell of a roller coaster ride in the perspective of my favourite Rafael Nadal.  Of all contenders in the Australian Open he's got the biggest motivation to win the title. 4th Grand Slam in row would put him in Tennis history along with Rod Laver.

Losing a match with an injury that was only acquired in just the early minutes first set is totally devastating.  The hamstring injury was not the sole reason why he lost in three straight sets.  David Ferrer despite being no. 7 was rock solid and amazing that even if Rafa (being the no.1 player) was healthy,  it would have been a very gritty close fight. 

With that loss, I cannot help but feel sad as if the world has been torn into pieces and thrown in the fire. I was mourning, trying to fathom how can I lift my spirits then I thought carefully about what Rafa said after the match: 
  

"Last year I had a fantastic year. This year the year just start. Last year in the beginning I had problems, too, and finally was the best season of my career. I think is almost impossible to repeat that. But remain a lot, and remain a lot to have hopefully really good moments, and at the same time, too, really negative moments."

 

"So this is one of bad ones, one of negative moments. That’s part of the sport. I think I am very, very lucky sportsman about what happened in my career. And I have to accept the fantastic moments that I had during a lot of years with the same calm that when I have problems. And if I am ready to accept both things with I think let’s say everything the same, I going to be able to come back and play my best tennis another time."  

 Rafa remains humble in accepting his defeat and says it is just part of any sports career. He remains even grateful for what he has achieved so far and did not see this defeat as the end of his dream. For last year, he had faced a similar problem as early as January but afer that everything went boom- boom- boom: 3 grand slams in a row. 


He knows that the physical, emotional and mental conditions are never going to be perfect for anyone to win all the time-  just the same that he knows how to keep his foot on the ground. 


After every successful battle, his hard work never stops from there. For him life goes on, being on top is continuous work, not just a result of overnight success. 


His staying power will be there for a long time because accepts everything, good or bad, just the same- that his accomplishments never gets stuck in his head where others would have been so over confident; and that this deafeated moment will not hinder him from rising up again where others would have chosen to quit or sulk all the time.  


This is why I love Rafael Nadal. 


On the court he is fierce, bold and agressive. He always play to win, make shots that are seemingly impossible and pound the ball with enormous strength.


Its like watching a matador run for his life in a bull fight. Passion and excitement is the flavour he brings on the court, that even a non tennis fan like me converted got to the tennis bandwagon last year.


There's nothing wrong in playing with so much gusto, although I must say, with the way he plays I'm also worried that he will attract injuries along the way. Not all bodies, as we all know, are perfectly designed to suit agressive play. Good thing he keeps coping with the one he has.


He's taking accountability and not using it as a primary excuse for his losses.  I like that he is stubborn- willing to move in top speed mentally, even if at times his body does not follow through. 


He risks with everything he's got not withstanding the toll on his body. But unlike ordinary folks, he's not afraid to play even if the chances of losing is close to 90% and  that's the courage I've seen in his match vs. Ferrer. He didn't quit even if he knows he will lose from the time his thigh muscle was injured.


Yeah, he takes us on roller coaster rides but beneath that strong persona lies a calm and humble soul with a wisdom that speaks volumes, that even his less than perfect English is enough to make his point across. 

Life is a box of chocolates

We enter this world clueless about everything: having no idea who our parents are going to be and what the colour of our skin is.  And once we come out from our mother's womb- that's it; life begins with everybody's permission, but us. 


Some people were born at time of desperation and grief, a time when the world is at war and everyone is on their knees, waiting for rations of food. 


I wonder what it's like for child growing up in a facade where soldiers, trucks and guns were a staggering reality, and not a set of imitation toys that come from a box with G.I Joe in it. 


A childhood clouded in instability and grounded in fear brings out a set of qualities far from those children born with a silver spoon in their mouth: a utensil used by filthy rich parents in creating spoiled brats- spooning caviars and luxurious excesses.    

We are more the same than we think we are not.  


How I express my emotions, what I prefer to eat in the morning or whom I choose to go out with is just a result of life’s concoctions or nature's accident. In the beginning, we barely have any choice; we are forced to accept what we are born with: a protruding forehead, a competitive sibling, or a traditional society. 


A combination of different traits, family background and environmental factors can produce many archetypes: the black sheep, damsel in distress or a knight in shining armour, just to name a popular few. 


Even though no individual is a carbon copy of each other in all aspects, friendships can still blossom even from outside one's circle, because out of the many things to like and dislike, chances are high that there might be somebody out there who also appreciates, for example: the serenading charm of the Backstreet Boys, as you do. 


I think if you strip out all of mankind's inherent and acquired qualities, we are one and the same, just like plants that will nevertheless grow and contribute to the ecosystem may it rooted be in a garden pot or in the rich soil of the Amazon wild.

We experience and interpret life in various degrees. 


History as we know it is accounted by the best of the best. Top notch skills inclined with accuracy and organisation are capitalised to produce a story to be read by future generations- all with the purpose of capturing a valuable point in time. 


His ‘story’ or an author’s point of view- on how man discovered fire, what triggered the 9/11 tragedy, or how Michael Jackson turned white, is more likely a universal fact for having been based on evidences and testimonies that fits like a glove, but I believe that narrations, no matter how agreeable and compelling it seems, will always be just a speck of the truth.


I’m not questioning the reliability of history books and investigative reports. Facts are facts but it will always be subject to human error; and to what degree it has pulled away from what really happened- only God knows. 


As limitless beings, we’re always in search of sanity and purpose. We look at another person’s experience to make logical conclusions and subjective interpretations. Neither is right or wrong- except on what we choose to believe. 


We easily make judgments that life is unfair for good natured people living on less than a dollar a day, but who knows- they might actually be more contented and at peace with who they are, than those people with so much money but become slaves to it, thus having suicidal tendencies or end up on rehab centres.

Why do I always love the beginning of things?

Starting over, again and again. It does get tiring.

They say that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at anything. Since it’s the start of the New Year, this promising thought gave me a glimmer of hope! 


It fuelled something in me to finally commit at pursuing my lifelong goals and one of which is to have my own blog.  My first post had long been overdue because I never really prioritised it.


To confess, I am a recovering cluttered mess who easily gets distracted and  forgets what she must prioritise. And so I make it a point that I write my to-do-list someplace where I can always see them. That is from the vast space of my wall, to google docs and down to my 100 leaf notebook.


The incessant need to remind myself that my life is supposed to have goals is because I can easily get lost and be eaten by a thought that says: 

 “You can't do it. Why waste time at something you’re not good at?”

I am one of those people who would candidly describe themselves as a little bit of this and a little bit of that. 


I can act well but not the Meryl Streep calibre, sketch women fashion wear but it’s too one dimensional, or dance gracefully but will not even make the cut off in So You Think You Can Dance. It’s frustrating to know that I didn't pushed myself harder to turn these little talents into cash, passion or as means where I can help people. 


The thing is I heartily enjoy planning and good at getting things started. Writing a list about what I want in my organiser is like daydreaming - only that I can see it in words.  


I also cut pretty pictures from magazines of places I want to go and things I want to have and stick it on my bedroom wall. This gives me an adrenalin rush I used to have as a grade schooler doing her collage project.


The problem is that in the middle of any self imposed project, may it be getting lean in 6 months or reading a book on a regular basis, moments do come where I feel like asking myself- what the hell am I doing? Doubts about everything I have signed into start to creep in because I either get bored, uninspired or feel like I am not progressing and will not go anywhere.  


Being a perfectionist also adds fire to these chicken out moments.  


Frustration with details, sequences or with how I pictured things are supposed to happen usually comes as a VIP guest. 


I am an escape artist that teleports from one thing to another, right before I mess up the current one. When I hit the plateau I find that it’s easier to change directions so I can rethink whether or not something is really worth my time and effort.  However, by changing directions every time I encounter a bump in the road, chances become higher that I will never reach any destination. 


The pay off of being an all rounder or devoting your energy in all directions is that you are never going to master a skill.  The truth that I hate admitting is that the reason why I never get to do anything significant in my life is because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, fail and in return be unloved by people who are expecting a lot from me. 

I have made countless of resolutions all year round because for me every day is a fresh start. However, I have failed to appreciate the essence of waking up every single day with 24 hours at my expense. 


 I couldn’t care less that my happy days on earth is just limited by an expiry date- invisibly marked deep down my skin, which of course can surface anytime, to think accidents happen not only on Friday the 13th. 


The recurring thought in my head goes like: I am in my prime years to even think about what I might be losing, when after all I am still building my ideal life. 


So there lies in me a false sense of hope every time the New Year unfolds because I see a perfect opportunity to redeem myself, when in fact I am just attracted to how ideal the situation seems to be.  


1/1/11 is such a perfect date. It’s like a beginning of everything- going back to square one. Yes, the New Year is promising, much more if we keep our promises as promised! 


Well, starting this blog was one of things I wanted to do, not because I'm narcissistic but I want to organise the chaos in my head and lay them down in less than 700 words. 


Now is one of those rare chances that I have tricked myself. What better way to start the year right than launch a blog. But of all the lousy promises I’ve ever made, I hope this one will prove otherwise. 

This blog is a working project- the one I intend to keep. 


It’s a serious commitment to write on regular basis and make it something more, aside from being readable. I am doing this to save myself and as I go further, let this be a wonderful waste of space especially for people like me who are struggling to channel their weaknesses and eccentricities in a good way.  

Happy New Year!  Let this be a new beginning with a happy ending. Cheers.