My Silly Secret

Do you want to know a secret?

We all have nasty habits or secrets we don't want other people to know so we keep it safe to ourselves. And maybe, just maybe- only a circle of trusted friends knows that quirky side you've been keeping in years.

Deciding what part of yourself you want to share others is not always easy for the fear of being laughed at. I mean, not all people can get you without explaining too much. I bet you'll be called a freak if others find out you like salt too much that you can eat it by itself. But today that's the least of my concerns. 


I am opening a little shop of horrors *$&#* about myself- attempting to be brave. Don't worry, this is not even close to a monologue of exposé I intend on telling a shrink. I just remembered something I used to do, which I'm not sure anyone has ever done or will ever attempt if they're not at all half kooky. All I'm sure of is how silly the idea was. 


I'm dying to let this off my chest and wondering if by any chance someone else is as nuts as me who did something like this: 


The Crush Certificate


A crush certificate was a kind of document I used to prepare and sign to acknowledge that I have had a crush on someone for a period of time. I don't do this anymore but my 11-12 year old self certainly did. This certificate of appreciation was awarded to an exclusive pool of big time crushes I had in the late 90's.  


The most essential feature it had is an issue and expiry date. On every certificate I made for a crush, I have written the exact dates when I started having crushes on them and the exact dreadful day as well when I no longer find them cutest guy ever. Like when I found out that Stephen Gately of Boyzone was gay! 

Stephen Gately of Boyzone,
 one of the firsts who broke my heart.

To make it official, I sign my name on this document legibly as a declaration of 'love'. But I also bring meaning to every declaration by justifying why they are worthy of a Kat's Certificate of Appreciation because for me it's not just a spur of the moment thing. Like I stated reasons (gazillion of them) on what I liked about my crushes, like Nick Carter's serenading voice and charming smile. 

Nick Carter, once the apple of my eye.

I hunt for the best picture I can find in song hits magazines or newspapers and  paste it in this top secret document. So if in case someone blew my cover and found these crush certificates, they can at least give kudos for my taste for cuties. 

I have left behind a stash of these certificates on a well kept suitcase hidden in my room back in my home town. I'm hoping it's still there when I come back so I retrieve it and use it for cheering up myself on occasional bad days. I can't remember on what hooked me into doing that. It's like deciding at any early age I want my heart to be exclusive by dividing my heart into rooms meant only for people I really care about. 

Let me justify that perhaps during that time that's how I perceive adults are like when they are in love: crazy. So I tried to encapsulate a moment in time, through pieces of fine paper and handwritten scribbles of madness on what it felt like to be head-over-heels for the first time.