Monday, January 3, 2011

Why do I always love the beginning of things?

Starting over, again and again. It does get tiring.

They say that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at anything. Since it’s the start of the New Year, this promising thought gave me a glimmer of hope! 

It fuelled something in me to finally commit at pursuing my lifelong goals and one of which is to have my own blog.  My first post had long been overdue because I never really prioritised it.

To confess, I am a recovering cluttered mess who easily gets distracted and  forgets what she must prioritise. And so I make it a point that I write my to-do-list someplace where I can always see them. That is from the vast space of my wall, to google docs and down to my 100 leaf notebook.

The incessant need to remind myself that my life is supposed to have goals is because I can easily get lost and be eaten by a thought that says: 
 “You can't do it. Why waste time at something you’re not good at?”

I am one of those people who would candidly describe themselves as a little bit of this and a little bit of that. 

I can act well but not the Meryl Streep calibre, sketch women fashion wear but it’s too one dimensional, or dance gracefully but will not even make the cut off in So You Think You Can Dance. It’s frustrating to know that I didn't pushed myself harder to turn these little talents into cash, passion or as means where I can help people. 

The thing is I heartily enjoy planning and good at getting things started. Writing a list about what I want in my organiser is like daydreaming - only that I can see it in words.  

I also cut pretty pictures from magazines of places I want to go and things I want to have and stick it on my bedroom wall. This gives me an adrenalin rush I used to have as a grade schooler doing her collage project.

The problem is that in the middle of any self imposed project, may it be getting lean in 6 months or reading a book on a regular basis, moments do come where I feel like asking myself- what the hell am I doing? Doubts about everything I have signed into start to creep in because I either get bored, uninspired or feel like I am not progressing and will not go anywhere.  

Being a perfectionist also adds fire to these chicken out moments.  

Frustration with details, sequences or with how I pictured things are supposed to happen usually comes as a VIP guest. 

I am an escape artist that teleports from one thing to another, right before I mess up the current one. When I hit the plateau I find that it’s easier to change directions so I can rethink whether or not something is really worth my time and effort.  However, by changing directions every time I encounter a bump in the road, chances become higher that I will never reach any destination. 

The pay off of being an all rounder or devoting your energy in all directions is that you are never going to master a skill.  The truth that I hate admitting is that the reason why I never get to do anything significant in my life is because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, fail and in return be unloved by people who are expecting a lot from me. 

I have made countless of resolutions all year round because for me every day is a fresh start. However, I have failed to appreciate the essence of waking up every single day with 24 hours at my expense. 

 I couldn’t care less that my happy days on earth is just limited by an expiry date- invisibly marked deep down my skin, which of course can surface anytime, to think accidents happen not only on Friday the 13th. 

The recurring thought in my head goes like: I am in my prime years to even think about what I might be losing, when after all I am still building my ideal life. 

So there lies in me a false sense of hope every time the New Year unfolds because I see a perfect opportunity to redeem myself, when in fact I am just attracted to how ideal the situation seems to be.  

1/1/11 is such a perfect date. It’s like a beginning of everything- going back to square one. Yes, the New Year is promising, much more if we keep our promises as promised! 

Well, starting this blog was one of things I wanted to do, not because I'm narcissistic but I want to organise the chaos in my head and lay them down in less than 700 words. 

Now is one of those rare chances that I have tricked myself. What better way to start the year right than launch a blog. But of all the lousy promises I’ve ever made, I hope this one will prove otherwise. 

This blog is a working project- the one I intend to keep. 

It’s a serious commitment to write on regular basis and make it something more, aside from being readable. I am doing this to save myself and as I go further, let this be a wonderful waste of space especially for people like me who are struggling to channel their weaknesses and eccentricities in a good way.  

Happy New Year!  Let this be a new beginning with a happy ending. Cheers.

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